The last Hurrah

I am in the 2WW again. Actually about a week into it. This is the last Hurrah for a while. We've decided we are going to put TTC on hold. Another sibling, another BFP. It's all we can take. Matt's brother and his wife chose Christmas day to announce that she is expecting again. The still live with his parents (and have since they got married) they don't help out much with the housework or the bills, their baby is only 8 months old, they expect everyone around them to help take care of him Just hours after announcing they were pregnant again she told him "you have to take him I've had him since we got here!" Like an hour and a half, and he spent most of that being passed around the house. He of course replied with "Give him to Dad or to Stephanie or someone. You know I can't ever get him to go to sleep." Yes, I am bitter. Yes, I am probably acting childish (I certainly did that day). Yes, I am still going to put TTC on hold. We aren't going to be preventing. I don't believe in hormonal birth controls and Matt has a latex allergy anyway so our options would be limited. I won't be trying though. No pills, no herbs, no supplements, no waking up early to temp, no over-examining every freaking change in my body.

It's a relief actually. We decided this on Christmas Day, but I waited until I was sure before writing about it here. We are working on weight-loss now. Fact is.....I'm fat. I got that way by eating whatever I wanted and not exercising much because "it might delay ovulation" or "it might keep me from implanting". I was overweight before I moved out here, but in three years I've gained forty pounds or so. Now I am just fat. For a little while longer.

The day after Christmas I started eating healthier and smaller portions. I also bought two DVD's and plan to get more over the next several weeks. Before we start TTC again Matt and I both want to lose 65 pounds each. You can view my new weight-loss journal HERE

Round Three

I definitely started. I am now on cycle day 3 which means I start my Clomid tonight. I am also going to the doctor in a couple of hours to see about getting an antidepressant. I hate to do it, but I am so tired of always being unhappy. Hopefully this will help me keep my mood swings in check and give me a chance to function normally in society. I wrote a little bit about it over on my main journal if you want to read that. HOME IN THE HEARTLAND. I just don't want to go in and be told I have to stop trying to get pregnant. I really don't believe that will do me any good. Besides....I plan on doing that in a few more months if this medicine doesn't work. I just want to give it a chance to do what it is supposed to do. It's definitely doing something judging by my last cycle. I have 3 more refills. That means if I am not pregnant before then, my last round of Clomid will be in March 2009. That's also the 3 year mark. If I make it to three years I plan on taking a break, losing a ton of weight and just getting generally healthier (physically and mentally) and save up some money before I try again. Then I'll try a couple months on my own and if nothing I'll call in the big guns (IVF) I just have to convince Matt that IVF is an option we can consider. He's kind of holding me to a comment I made during a moment where I was severely depressed earlier in the week. I said that I didn't want to buy any more OPK's or HPT's and that if Clomid didn't work I was done. That I wasn't putting any more money into something that was never going to happen. He seems to think that he will be fine if we never have more kids and that since he is okay with it, I should be too. The fact remains....I'm not. I've tried to be, but I want more children. I want at least one more baby, one more time to experience all of it.

I guess for now all I can do is pray that the Clomid works and that if it doesn't, I can convince Matt to change his mind.

Maybe?

I think I might be starting my period. Maybe. I say maybe because I thought I was starting on Saturday, and then it went away. Now it's just starting to reappear. Not sure if it's going to stick around this time or not. Time will tell. My temperature has dropped a few days in a row, so this is probably it.

I am of course upset that I'm not pregnant after all. At the same time, I realize that surely it's only a matter of time. The medicine is working. My body is doing what it's supposed to now, so surely I'll be pregnant in no time. 3 seems to be a magic number for a lot of ladies who take the meds that I am on. There are a ton of them that got pregnant during their third cycle on the meds, so we'll see. This will be my third cycle on the meds, and cycle 33, so maybe that means triple the luck? lol

The end is near

I'm 14 dpo today. I had some spotting yesterday. I convinced myself that we had just irritated my cervix earlier yesterday. (Hey, when the kids are away the parents will play!) Now, I'm thinking it's much more likely that AF is knocking on my door. I have a backache like I usually get when it's time for my period, and my temperature plummeted this morning too.I'll probably start my period later today or tomorrow.

While it's disappointing, I have to realize that I've had a "normal" text-book cycle, and I have to be happy about that. I'll just keep hoping that the next cycle is "THE ONE".

If by some miracle my period hasn't started I'll test again Monday or Tuesday.

Another milestone

It really amazes me how much trying to conceive takes over your life. Or how much the little things can make you jump for joy. I'm officially at 12 dpo, and no spotting yet *knocks on wood* There might have been a very faint line on my test today. Not totally sure. I am going to get a test from the dollar store tomorrow and use with caution. While they have their issues, they are also generally more sensitive than the First Response tests I've been using.

Matt's laughing at me because even though I said I wasn't going to obsess over symptoms....I get excited over all of them. I wake up, check my temp (and comment on it) press on my boobs to see if they are still sore (and get excited to realize they are) Go to the bathroom to check cervical position and CM, realizing on the way that I am now dizzy in the mornings (and excited about that too). Heartburn, nausea, headaches, frequent trips to the ladies room, and being bloated also excite me. I've never been so happy to feel like crap in my life. lol

Something else pretty great happened today. At least great in my book. I've been hosting on and off at JustMommies for about a year and a half now. I started out co-hosting on the fertility charting board in July of 2007. I've hosted six different boards there. I started with the fertility charting board and the TTC 6 months + board. I had to step down from them because I lost my internet access for a while. Then I moved on to the TTC 1 year + board (Life got to crazy when Sierra was first diagnosed with epilepsy so I stepped down from this one) and the Secondary Infertility board (which I still host) for a while I was hosting the In The News board (news got to stressful). Recently a position on the main Trying to Conceive board opened up, and I had wanted to co-host that board since I joined JM. Well, today I found out that I have been nominated as host of the month. Matt's first question was "Do you win something?" I laughed and said yeah, if I win I get a cool blinkie for my signature. The awesome thing in my mind though is just that my efforts have been recognized. I love hosting the boards, and it feels so good that the moderators have noticed what I have been doing and think I deserved this nomination.

They way it works is that the mods and admins decided who is deserving of the nominations, and then they open up a poll and let all the hosts get to check out the boards of those nominees and then vote on who does the best job. As cheesy as it may sound, I am just really honored that they nominated me! There are six other awesome ladies nominated, and they all do a great job. It just really excited me to see my name on that list. They'll announce the winner on Monday probably.

So anyway, that's my news. I might be pregnant, but even if it isn't I can't get too upset because my meds are doing what they are supposed to do (though I can't lie.....I'm going to be crushed if I am not). I've been recognized by the moderators on JustMommies and that feels great. Oh yeah.....and I feel like crap and that really excites me. If I am not pregnant I am definitely going to the doctor! LOL

Looking good!

I don't know if anyone who reads this knows anything about fertility charting, but I just had to come on here and squeal and jump up and down. My chart is normally really jumpy with a lot of up and down temperatures during the second half of my cycle, but this time it's been steadily climbing for the past 7 days. If it stays up a few more days it will be considered triphasic, which in many cases indicates pregnancy!!! I am trying not to get to excited, but it looks so nice! I have never had such a pretty chart.

If you look at this link, you can see my chart. The top one is the current chart. The bottom one is last cycles chart. You'll see the difference between the two. Usually they look like the bottom one, so I am hoping this might be a really good sign. I'd appreciate any prayers you can say for me. After nearly 3 years, I would LOVE for this to be it. And I'd be due on my Mom's birthday. Not that she's my favorite person, but she would actually be excited about something I had done that way. lol Anyway.....here's the link to my chart.

Stephanie's Chart!

Trying the relaxed approach

So we've been trying this relaxed approach this cycle. I haven't been posting because short of giving you details about my sex lifeI didn't temp or use OPK's or anything. I decided a few days ago to go ahead and start temping again so that I knew for sure when I ovulated. I was annoyed that Clomid wasn't making me ovulate any earlier than I normally did (ok...it did, but only by 1 or 2 days, which didn't help matters) so I was going to call my RE at the end of this cycle and demand that he upped my dosage. Well, I started temping on CD 15 and it appears that I ovulated on CD 14. A textbook cycle. Thank you Clomid! I am beyond thrilled! Kind of. Because I ovulated early I am not really sure that we covered our bases this cycle. We did get to BD the day before and the day after, but I would have done more if I had realized.

Anyway...that should mean that my period will show up earlier than normal. Hopefully right around the 28 day mark. I'm still waiting until normal time (day 30-32) to expect it though. IF it doesn't show I'll test on day 37 (December 15th). Timing would be awesome. If I get a BFP, I'd call my RE and he'd want to do an ultrasound at 6 weeks and 8 weeks, so around the 22nd of December and again around January 5th. I "could" see the heartbeat on the first ultrasound, and we've decided that once we confirmed a heartbeat we would tell the family. Sounds like a Christmas dinner to remember! lol That would also make me being due on August 16th. My mom's birthday is the 15th. For once I could actually do something right in her eyes. I'm not getting my hopes up too high though, because like I said......timing of sex wasn't that great this time.

I'll keep you posted.